Table of Contents
The Muffin Man
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This is a story of sibling rivalry. Kane and Abel Orr, twins born to parents Mildred and Bernard. The Orr's were a family of wealth and power in Spokane. They weren't political, but they bought and paid for many politicians in the town and state. Rumor has it their hands were in the federal arena as well.
The Orr's were ruthless, successful and expected much from their boys. It led to a hostile home environment, pitting brother against brother. You would think this would stop the parents from allowing the fights in the home, but they really did believe in survival of the fittest.
Kane was all for it, Abel didn't want it. He just wanted the love of his mom and dad. He didn't want to hate his brother, but things Kind did to him were horrific. And did anything to prevent Able from climbing the ladder of success, well, he couldn't help but hate him. The odd thing was Abel didn't even care about the family business, or that sort of success.
For crying out loud they were twins. Why didn't they have this spoken bond between them? Perhaps they did at birth, but I guess the only people who could break that kind of link would be parents. Keep that in mind as you read their tale. Mom and Pop are the real monsters.
Kane grew up and became a plastic surgeon. He loved pretty people and he wanted all the people to be pretty. In his shallow mind the ugly are useless. If you're ugly AND fat well you were the scum of society.
He hated fat people more than ugly and that's how he ended up specializing in liposuction. He enlisted a top advertising agency who met with psychiatrists to come up with commercials and other advertising mediums that would put subliminal messages into the minds of the obese.
It was diabolical and he was triumphant. He was the most sought out doctor. Cough cough.
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Growing up, Abel sought comfort in baking. He longed for sweets and became a master pastry chef. The sweet concoctions fed his soul and he would give them as gifts to win people's affections.
Of course, this food addiction resulted in him becoming overweight. The weight put more distance between his brother and him. Kane was disgusted.
Abel ran his bakery, called The Muffin Man. He started it with his own money. His parents wanted nothing to do with it, or him. It's located on Drury Lane.
Drury Lane is the ultimate back alley where there were alley cats and other nefarious activities. Even though it was in a hideous location he was successful. His muffins were good, but in my opinion they weren't good enough to call yourself The Muffin Man.
His breads and pastries were world class. But the back alley folks didn't really care for those things. They wanted the working man goodie. A really good muffin.
After weeks of getting flack from the toothless regular Stan, he decided to focus on making the best muffins in the world. He would show everyone.
Day and night Abel would experiment with different recipes and ingredients. He also joined a gym and after about a year he lost 100 pounds and mastered the perfect blueberry muffin.
Stan the toothless hobo, the cat lady of Spokane and a few tourists who lost their way endorsed this claim of world's greatest muffin. Now he just needed to showcase it so people would know about it and his back alley bakery.
His mother called him that afternoon to tell him Kane would be keynote speaker at the much anticipated event of the year, "Toast of Spokane". It was the EVENT of all events. It showcases the best of the best in town.
All the movers and shakers would be there. She was just rubbing it in because, well, she's a bitch. If I weren't any wiser on this story, and I know everything about this story, because it's mine, bwahahahahahaha, I would think she was the wicked stepmother and Abel was Cinderella. But no, it's not that story.
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There was no way Abel. could get a booth at this event. It was too late, and since his parents were on the board, they wouldn't allow it anyway. They were repulsed that he was a baker and a back alley one at that.
It was the day of the event and the local as well as national paparazzi were in attendance because the Orr's paid them. The photographers could care less about a little old town in eastern Washington.
Abel borrowed a cart from his friend who sold hot dogs in front of the bank building downtown at lunchtime. He loaded his muffins and parked the cart right in front of the entrance just mere feet from the red carpet.
Because he arrived early he was able top pass out muffins to the spectators who wanted to get a good spot on the red carpet to see the who's-who of the evening.
The aroma of his muffins were intoxicating. There was quite a breeze so the mouth watering aroma wafted through out the blocks. He was the Pied Piper of the sweet tooth crowd.
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Within an hour there were crowds of people surrounding his cart. They were all clamoring for a taste of his heavenly concoction. This went on for quite some time. It went on so long that nobody stood at the red carpet watching the VIP's make their grand entrances.
Kane was pissed. His monumental arrival was upstaged by a muffin. Not just any muffin, his brother's muffin. He vowed revenge, but kept a smirk on his face for the cameras.
Well, Abel's muffins were not only the talk of the evening, they were the talk of the month. Everyone found their way to Drury Lane to buy his ambrosia. The lines were long and the upstanding folks of of the town we're forced to mingle with the back alley transients.
It was good for each other to see how the other lived. Good things would come of it, all because of The Muffin Man.
Every day he sold out. You couldn't order them in advance. You had to stand in line and the maximum amount you could order were six. It was outrageous, but people abided by the rules just to get their hands on the perfect muffin.
As time went by there were people who tried without fail to copy his muffins. Nobody came close. It was the secret ingredient of the millennium.
Abel was not the toast of the town if you will, further infuriating his brother Kane. Even his parents made their way down to the filthy alley to visit the bakery. Kane vowed revenge the night of the muffin debut, and now he would make good on his promise.
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He wasn't sure where to start. His brother was now fit, handsome, successful AND created the hottest item in town. He should have been grateful because the rise of the muffin meant the rise of his clients for his liposuction practice. I mean c'mon he even had a new and popular procedure called the muffin top removal.
People could not stop eating them. They would pay not only for the daily muffin, but to keep thin in the meantime. Everyone had appearances to keep, but nobody, I do mean nobody could say no to the muffins.
Kane decided to have Abel followed just to see what his day to day life was like. He needed to prey on his weakness. But as of now he didn't know what it was.
Abel arrived at the bakery at three in the morning Monday through Saturday to start the muffins and have them out of the oven by opening time. He didn't make any other pastry anymore. Only muffins. He was getting rich and people would stand in lines waiting for a bite of excellence.
After closing he went to the gym. Next was the farmers market to get fresh vegetables for dinner. He was home by five. He ate dinner at six. From what the private investigator, (who I will now refer to as Dick), could figure out he would read or watch television until nine, then lights out.
Dick reported this to his boss, but Kane was adamant he continue. Since he paid well the spy did it. He watched him all week. Same thing, different day. Until Saturday night...
Abel headed out at nine. It didn't seem like that big of a deal. I mean the guy worked all week, why not let out some steam on Saturday night?
The investigator followed him not into back alleys. Not into clubs or restaurants, but he made his way to the medical part of town.
He followed him to the parking lot of a mega complex consisting of all types of medical practices. It was after hours and the building was closed.
Dick kept still and watched as Abel swiped a card to open the door of the main building. Of course the spy followed him. He also had a security card because it was his boss, Kane's building.
He trailed Abel without him knowing. Able took the elevator and Dick took the stairs. At each level he checked to see what floor the elevator was on.
Kane's office was on the eleventh floor and somehow he anticipated him going there. But he didn't. Abel got off on the ninth floor. When he got off, he met with the janitor who led him to a big room at the end of a hall.
Dick was peeking, and wasn't sure what was happening. Kane's main office as I said earlier was on the eleventh floor, but he did run the floors nine through twelve.
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He watched as the janitor opened the door. Abel gave him a wad of cash then went inside. He hid for a long time, then Abel came out with a huge cart. He rolled it to the service elevator and wheeled it out to his work van in the back.
"What in the heck is going on here?", Dick thought. He didn't know was was on the cart. He wasn't sure what was in the room, but he was going to find out. Good thing he ate one of the muffins while on surveillance. It gave him the extra sugar boost to keep his energy up. Only he didn't need it because he didn't use the stairs this time. He took the elevator.
He made his way back to the ninth floor and found the janitor eating a muffin. The janitor was jarred to see someone in the building. He started to yell out to the guy for trespassing but stopped when he saw the hired hand pull a gun.
Dick told him to open the door at the end of the hall and he wouldn't get hurt. Well, the janitor obliged and almost choked to death on his muffin, which is kind of funny because it tasted heavenly. He didn't want to find out if he would go to heaven or hell from the treat so he did what the gunman said.
When he opened the door Dick looked around. It was a room with medical supplies. He put the gun back in the janitor's face and asked what he gave Abel.
Well, the janitor's face turned white. He was shaking. He didn't want to tell, but he didn't want to die. He chose self-preservation and told him this is where Dr. Kane's waste was stored until it was picked up by Abel who worked for medical waste management.
The private investigator dropped his jaw. He realized what was happening and threw up. The janitor knew the excess fat from liposuction was not a pretty thing, but you couldn't smell it here, or even see it. He didn't know why this man was gagging and puking, and acting the way he was acting.
He found his backbone and asked Dick what the hell is going on here and to please show identification. It was a ballsey move seeing he still had a gun in his face. The P.I. was enraged. He was fuming at this dumb man who didn't know what was happening.
He spat at the confused janitor, "The Muffin Man is using human fat for his muffins. That's the secret ingredient! Oh My God!"
He wiped his mouth and freaked out because he ate one not less than an hour ago and, damn, it was delicious.
He looked at the janitor and asked, "How in the world he thought a reputable company would come only on Saturday nights and deal strictly in cash?"
The janitor just smiled. He wasn't stupid. Then he got shot in the head. It turns out the muffins are heavenly, because St. Peter was eating one at the pearly gates where the janitor stood in line to get in to the promised land.
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Well now that Dick became a hired assassin he had to leave town. Thankfully his boss Kane gave him a lot of money and a car. He got the hell outta Dodge. He never looked back. He also never told Kane about the muffins. It seemed sinful to take those delectable edibles away.
But since the janitor died, Able couldn't get the secret sauce. So he took a month's vacation in Bali until a new janitor was hired. He knew with is money both from the bakery, and now from his parents he would have no trouble re-opening.
Money from his parents you ask? No, they didn't die, but since he was now the more successful and famous brother they gave him loads of money.
Off he went to Bali, but his brother was steaming. Not only did he get taken by his private investigator, there was a murder in his building and now his part of town was considered the poor part of town.
He flew to Bali to surprise his brother. Abel was on a pier fishing when Kane snuck up behind him. He clobbered him over the head with a rolling pin and pushed him into the sea to drown. He chuckled at the irony of a rolling pin doing in his baking brother.
He looked down in the water with a satisfied grin and then a great white shark jumped up and swallowed him. Now Kane and Able were both gone.
Bless their souls.
The disappearance of The Muffin Man made him infamous. He became an icon. His bakery turned into a shrine and people sill come around to pay their respects and grieve the loss of their beloved muffin.
You can hear them sing, "Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man? Do you know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane?"
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