This long spell of over 100 degree weather is supposed to stretch out over a week. Charles Norris, yup, that's the weatherman's name, hates when people call him Chuck. But it's funny, especially when old man Chatteroy walked up to him and punched him square in the jaw. Now, you know I do not promote physical violence, but I feel like he had this one coming. Plus, the old man didn't hurt him. I've never seen Mr. Chatteroy so hot, excuse the pun, but he was sick and tired of not only the over the top weather reports, but the constant updates during his programs.
Old man Chatteroy is a God fearin' man, but lord knows it's too hot for the devil. When he walked by the coffee shop and saw Chuck, he snapped. He walked in with the focus of a tiger scouting his prey. I swear his eyes rolled back in his head and he began speaking in tongues.
According to Wikipedia:
"Speaking in tongues, also known as glossolalia, is a practice in which people utter words or speech -like sounds, often thought by believers to be languages unknown to the speaker"
At first he was mumbling then he said Chuck," You need to stop your meteorological masturbation every dang minute on television. It's hot. We know it. You aren't adding anything to help. You are just preening and puffing up your chest like some God, which you are not." He was spitting mad. He went on and on after he popped him in the jaw. Let me tell you I've never see the old guy go after anyone before. He's never uttered a bad word, let alone use the phrase meteorological masturbation. That's what happens when it's hotter than a billy goat with a blow torch. Yes sir.
The coffee shop burst into applause. Everyone needed a release and Mr. Chatteroy provided it. His actions triggered an avalanche of usually kind folks turning on the weather man.
Minka Pachucki owner of Minka's Perogi's let loose. "Dang it Chuck, you didn't go into that many details when blizzards or ice storms come to town. There is no reason for you to keep rubbing it in." She finished with a huff. Her fists landed on her hip, and well she was doing a formidable Wonder Woman pose.
The town is not equipped for this type of heat and for this long of a stretch. I suppose that's because Yamhillians are used to cold snaps. They know what to do then. If you are wearing the right gear you can navigate the great outdoors. This heat, well, it's hell. People have short fuses.
Other folks chimed in on the trapped weather man. While all this pandemonium was going on I noticed Miriam Swanson working away as busy as could be in a persimmon colored romper. Yes, a ding dang romper! She was unphased by the scene. Her image was calm, cool and collected, not like a cucumber. Is a cucumber really calm and collected? C'mon!
She exuded an appearance just like the women in hot climates she always wondered about. Wow. Good on you Miriam, but seeing what was happening in the balmy coffee shop, let's just say I was a tad nervous for her. The people in Yamhill love a triumphant story, but I can assure you not when the earth is melting. I whole heartedly believe the wild mob would've turned on her if it wasn't for Chuck showing up to show off.
Millie Piper, aka, Blaze walked in just at the right time. She exuded a light like no other. There's something special about her. When she noticed Chuck, she couldn't help it, she was a good natured woman, but he must be called Chuck. She walked over to him, took his arm and escorted him out. It was done with poise and a glowing smile. You would have thought they were headed to the prom. Well, she did anyway. He appeared shell shocked and I think he may have tinkled his trousers. As soon as he was gone, it was like the scene never happened.
Just then the street sweepers passed by, the patrons swept this altercation right under the rug. Everyone will remember it, especially Chuck, but nobody will speak of it.
I wonder what would've happened if Blaze didn't show up? She really is a guiding light. I'll tell you about her in the next letter.
Till next time,